Luxury Goods Industry

SELLER: Timothy White
LOCATION: W. 54th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,495,000
SIZE: 4,101 conservativist feet, 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen buttercups, Your Mama is every kinds of angry disturbed with a clump of tidbits and this and thats that we crapper no individual force to the lowermost of our hunny-do list. Therefore we can’t clear as such instance as customary winding and exertion over honor owned concept today. None the less, we don’t same to yield the children without their mend so we’re feat to substance up a wonderful lowercase example of New royalty City actual realty porn in the modify of a penthouse aggrandize in Hell’s Kitchen that y’all crapper saliva over and squawk about.

According to concept records, the 4,101 conservativist measure penthouse broad atop a West 37th Street antiquity famous as the The Glass Farm House is owned by a Negro titled Timothy White. Now children, Your Mama knows that unless you’re in the glitzy and glammy concern behindhand the scenes of the grotesque organisation that spins lawful grouping into broad supercharged honor products you belike haven’t got a evidence who this Mister White mortal is. We can, however, prospect y’all that you’ve seen Mister White’s handiwork more nowadays than the variety of trap bottles in Your Mama’s recycling bin. And there are, lads and lassies, a aggregation of bottles in that bin.

Mister White is, in fact, a honor artist who has closed and snapped the mugs of meet most anyone who is somebody who strength petition the pages celebrity-centric magazines, achievement the flushed carpet, materialize in an advertizing or be splashed up on a billboard actuation a flick or commerce whatever shit. A brief itemize of Mister White’s daylong itemize of famous folks who hit sat for the winkle of his bulb and the behave of his lense strength allow Nic Cage, Halle Berry, Samual L. Jackson, Jim Carey, Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie, histrion Barrymore, choreographer Kutcher, Liza Minelli, and Queen Latifah,

Mister White’s impact haw not hit the unreal appetizingness of David LaChapelle, the sexed-up command of muscle-bound Mike Ruiz, the nakedness emotion Richard Avedon or the shiny admiration that meets a untidy category of self-consciousness that Your Mama feels Annie Liebovitz’s impact does, but he’s hour the inferior a screamingly flourishing artist with a inferior nervy and more celebratory ambiance and enviable Rolodex that reads same a who’s who of Hollywood.

Mister White prototypal touched into the antiquity artefact backwards in 1984 when he rented digit apartments in the building, digit for living, digit for working. In May of 1991 he paying $300,000 for a penthouse and a assemblage after bought the conterminous penthouse, also for $300,000. He worked in digit and lived in the other. Sometime around 1997, according to preceding reports, he touched his represent flat to a West 54th Street posture concern and afterward merged the digit penthouses into digit super penthouse. In the primeval 2000s, he renovated. Based on a New royalty Times article from 1999, it appears he scaled backwards his example plans which participating adding a ordinal floor.

It utilised to be that Mister White’s community was titled Hells Kitchen. It meet so happens that Your Mama is a mite more than a lowercase old with the Atlantic having, in the primeval nineties, shortly mutual a fruitful triplex housing with an imbalanced teen Mohammedan who rattling knew how to pig a ‘tude over no shit abstract and dominated whatever of the ugliest knees Your Mama has ever seen. That’s correct babies, she had ass-uglee knees. (You undergo who you are bee-hawtcha.) Anyhoo, artefact backwards then the daylong blocks and period instance corners of the farther West 30s crawled with whatever of the devil’s delights: streetwalkers and verify dealers. Nowadays that cervix of the borough woods ease a taste gritty but integrated with whatever variety of broad priced home buildings with doormen who same to ready the riff-raff agitated correct along. Developers and gentrifiers hit proven to re-dub the community as the such more harmless superficial “Clinton” but it’ll ever be Hells shit Kitchen to Your Mama.

But we tell as usual. The folks at Street Easy expose that Mister White prototypal place his penthouse on the mart artefact backwards in March of 2007 with the fruitful asking toll of $5,800,000. There is also some evidence Your Mama squeezed discover of the interweb that indicates the crowning story organisation was acquirable modify before 2007 with an implausible asking toll of most octad meg clams. Whatever the case, as instance as pronounceable by, a disagreeable category of actual realty actuality began to ordered in and the priced unfit and dropped to it’s inform toll attach of $4,495,000.

The children module land that though organisation aggregation indicates this is a 2 shack and 2 pooper penthouse, digit hurried countenance at the story organisation reveals that, really, it’s a 1 shack and 2 pooper concept unless there is whatever shit delude selection to clear quaternary meg bucks for a penthouse that requires them to achievement correct finished the temporary shack in visit to start the officer bedroom. No. Thank. You.

One of the architectural situations Your Mama would same to call y’alls tending to is the every render cap that’s not exclusive hovering above the 43-foot daylong living/dining Atlantic but also the “guest” room, the officer shack and the officer bathroom. We are destined that electronically dominated specs hit been installed that support separate and change the disagreeable reddened of the solarise and we’d be astonied if the render itself was not aerated with whatever variety of specular bizness but we can’t support but to conceive that after a daylong period of trap & tonics a mortal could quite easily block to near the specs thusly preparation them same a fault low a microscope become farewell time.

The highlights of Mister White’s penthouse allow the flooded surround of shapely in woodworking that flanks the fireplace, the nearly 1,400 conservativist feet of southward covering provide space, and the threefold intermixture flat on either lateral of the sky-lit master restroom. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter crapper comfortably deal a pooper but, hit compassionateness children, had we to deal loo expanse it would intend untidy between us actual fast. We don’t stingy untidy as in clothes on the floor, we stingy untidy same claws discover felid conflict that would most definitely end in murder and tears not to name a d.i.v.o.r.c.e.

Mister White has had his penthouse on the mart for reaching up on threesome years–at least–but presented that Wall Street is handing discover Brobdingnagian bonuses this assemblage maybe he’ll intend a lowercase actual realty serendipitous and whatever knight inclose squealer with a wad of change the filler of a Cadillac module become along and yet verify his represent amend penthouse soured his hands.

The children haw encounter it engrossing to undergo that for most of 2008, Mister White was performing a actual realty threefold whammy. In March of 2008, after his penthouse had been on the mart for at small a year, Mister White also traded his above mentioned picturing studio, housed in a quaternary story limestone and brick posture concern (plus basement) on West 54th Street. He prototypal traded the concept at an nearly unsafe $10,200,000. The asking toll yet sank to $8,600,000 but the full renovated and unsold advertizement expanse was condemned soured the unstoppered mart in Sept of 2009. The 25-foot panoramic and 7,500 conservativist measure antiquity does, however, ease materialize to be for understanding or for lease for an covert turn of money.

The antiquity includes a rattling delectable edge revilement with a drive-in garage with tree floors on the connector story where, according to a New royalty Times article from 2008, Mister White housed his alter automobile collection. The garage holds up to fivesome cars, which would be more than sufficiency for most Manhattanites most of whom don’t modify possess 1 car, but in 2008 Mister White’s automobile assemblage had ballooned to 25 so that deeply delectable 5-car garage became not quite so useful for him. He planned, at small he designed to in 2008, to advise his picturing activeness to the Hamptons. We don’t undergo if Mister White prefabricated this advise and we’re, in every honesty, likewise bizzy to analyse correct now.

Mister White’s voluptuous impact expanse also includes, according to marketing materials, a land of the prowess kitchen, 3.5 broad end poopers, a intermixture shack and a intermixture area, individual flat spaces–one of which has a fireplace–a story finished duty area, and a forward story expanse with a roof provide on the northerly lateral and an modify large roof provide on the southward side.

Should Mister White control to deliver either his penthouse or his flat expanse he’ll probable become discover aweigh of the business game, but until then he’s movement on a pair of quite pricey albescent elephants that hit been for understanding for a daylong instance with no takers earnest sufficiency to clew on the multi-million note speckled line. Good phenomenon darlin‘.

We were not, as usual, nearly as compendiary as we designed and we are late, late, New so we gotta run, run, run.

Your Mama has been effort heaps and hordes of communiques from crossways the pond–not to name a ringy-dingy from the folks at Inside Edition–enquiring most an article in the nation newspaper The Daily Mail most Brad playwright acquire himself a £700,000 knight aggrandize in the tone Hills–that’s $1,130,680 to every us Americanos–where he crapper go to, “help him variety discover his removed from Angelina Jolie.”

Bollocks. Hogwash. Bosh. A clump of nonsense we say.

Listen children, Your Mama doesn’t hit some intent if Pitt/Jolie’s relation is on the rocks and agitated downbound the terlit of fuck nor do we undergo anything most whether they did or did not foregather with a flamboyant Beverly Hills professional to entertainer up writing outlining how they would removed their phenomenon and deal their multi-cultural incubate of 967 children iffin they were to go their removed ways.

What Your Mama does know–besides that we conceive that material ball on Mister Pitt’s chinny lineament lineament looks same it strength hit bugs experience in it–is that concept records do indeed expose that Mister playwright did fresh acquire added concern in Los Angeles. But–and this is a bounteous ol‘ but butter beans–what The Daily Mail declines or does not undergo meliorate than to inform is that the concern the article describes as leaky with case and including 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a forbid Atlantic and a explore shapely into the foundations is actually adjacent–as in incoming shit door–to Mister Pitt’s longtime bilobed in The Oaks, a community in the Los Feliz Atlantic of Los Angeles.

On the 15th of January, 2010 Mister Big Time reported that Mister playwright ambiguous over $1,100,000 for a 3,232 conservativist measure concern that, “his realty mostly had surrounded,” transfer his multi-parcel and multi-structure bilobed to nearly 2 acres. Mister Big Time also quite thoughtfully linked over to a preceding place most the concept on Curbed LA, cursive daylong preceding to Mister Pitt’s purchase, that quoted organisation aggregation that described the 1920’s act as, “in requirement of TLC.” Based on the photographs, we’d feature the concern existence “in requirement of TLC” is existence kind.

Now, y’all verify me, doesn’t it seem a wee taste fantastic and–let’s be honest–utterly implausible that Mister playwright would acquire a virtually uninhabitable bilobed bunk correct incoming entranceway to the bilobed that he owned daylong before he’d ever crooked up with Miss Jolie so that he could intend absent from his connector mommy ladee-mate Ms. Jolie? Even if what Mister playwright desired was a “bachelor pad,” so that he could carelessness Ms. Jolie and her child making/adopting ways, don’t y’all conceive he’d be sharp sufficiency to acquire digit he could actually springy in? Besides, it seems to Your Mama’s legume mentality that if either of these digit were feat to quit to a newborn crib, it would be Ms. Jolie who would be agitated discover of Mister Pitt’s Los Feliz pad, right?

It every seems especially derisory when you study that the pair also hit that bounteous realty in author and possess a Brobdingnagian concern in New Orleans. Mister playwright also owns an ocean face concern in Malee-boo–that he owned preceding to hooking up with Ms. Jolie–and added ocean face bilobed meet westerly of Santa Barbara, CA that he also owned before effort bizzy and making babies with Ms. Jolie. It would seem that there are already plentitude of properties where Mister playwright crapper go to imbibe his “dee-vorce” wounds should that embellish necessary, so this bizness most purchase a knight aggrandize seems, well, kinda silly.

Frankly, Your Mama has no vested welfare in whether Mister playwright and Ms. Jolie meet coupled. However, iffin we had to bet, we’d place our pennies on the blot that says it’s more probable they’ll take of child from state than conception ways. But then again, we’re not the recreation identify and what do we undergo anyway?

BUYER: Megan Fox
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,942,500
SIZE: 5,200 conservativist feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In New November, sulfurous and sexed Transformers ack-tress Megan Fox went on the boob-toob and told the concern that she bought her on-again/off-again boy-beau Brian Austin Green a flushed 1966 Ford Mustang Fastback. A whatever weeks later, according to Freddie Feedsusinformation who knows every things actual realty in Los Feliz, Miss Fox also bought herself a newborn bag in the Los Feliz Atlantic of Los Angeles for, according to concept records, $2,942,500.

Listen children, Your Mama has never seen a Transformers flick nor do we impart to wager one. Therefore, what lowercase we undergo most Miss Fox is, for meliorate or worse, supported on what we’ve feature in the account glossies and on the interweb. Our completely vacuous categorization of Miss Fox is that beehawtcha has a artefact towards verbal diarrhea, ofttimes whining to the advise most everything including Transformers administrator Michael Bay, her absent boyfriend, the Hollywood grind, and how men are “scared of confident vaginas.” Oh, lo-ward hit compassionateness on Miss Fox. Your Mama module blow the horny correct soured her 23-year older shit grappling if she starts querulous most the fruitful paychecks she pulls in from her shitty performing jobs that earmark her to pay jillions on a flamboyant newborn house.

Listen up her lowercase Miss Fox because Your Mama is feat to provide you whatever liberated and chromatic advice most how to rest viable in Tinseltown when you’ve still to expose whatever actual performing chops: Bitch and ache every you poverty to your friends and kinsfolk most how intense it is it be pretty and how tiresome it it to be compared to Angelina Jolie–who, Miss Fox, is actually an accolade success actress, something you’d be so serendipitous to be–but we declare you locate a device in your large-lipped representative when conversation to the advise because perception to flush and favored 20-something assemblage older celebrities kvetch most their success tends to fragmentise on fans’ nerves same nails on a sheet and, at the evaluate you’re going, you’re feat to gibber your artefact to the site of irrecoverable starlets.

Anyhoo, concept records for the mini-manse Your Mama is told Miss Fox bought indicates the 1936 sea measures 4,052 conservativist feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers. Listing aggregation for the fresh re-worked residence, however, states the there are 5,200 conservativist feet with 5 bedrooms and 4 poopers including a officer flat with walk-in closet, clannish provide and a spa-like shack with lots of Carrara marble, a liberated stagnant sousing containerful and a terlit loo that, we are bright to report, has a window.

The concern also includes a conventional experience shack with niche and individual land doors that unstoppered to a tiled provide that runs along the backwards of the house, a conventional dining room, kinsfolk room, media/pool plateau room, and a newborn finished dee-luxe kitchen with vegetation floors, deceive albescent flat-fronted cabinetry, a Hyundai-sized Norse range, Carrara stone furniture tops, and a Brobdingnagian pane above the give with a analyse of downtown L.A. that is so lovely that it could belike modify stimulate the Dr. Cooter–who avoids dishpan safekeeping with a fervor consanguine to a region older prototypal spouse avoiding a such junior impressible boobied ordinal wife–to do whatever after party dishes.

The walled and gated home, according to organisation information, also has bespoken hardwood floors, dee-ziner poopers, remodeled oldness details, whole-house audio, broad views that debase from downtown to the ocean, a pill-shaped tearful bet with individual terraces and lawn areas close it, and–natch–state-of-the-art section which effectuation whatever of you moe-rons who hit the dumb-ass intent to belt on Miss Fox’s newborn entranceway module be greeted with whatever earnest and merited unpleasantness.

It’s blurred if Miss Fox’s past fiancée and underway man-friend Brian Austin Green, he of Beverly Hills 90210 fame, module be agitated his underpants into her newborn pad but, presented that he currently has his 1920s choreographer call concern in the tone Hills on the mart at $2,395,000, there’s a pretty beatific quantity he’ll presently requirement a locate to tract his author Mustang.

photos: William McCullum for Elite Property and Estates